Friday, January 25, 2013

Things Left Unsaid

TMYS Bear will give your secrets the treatment
they deserve. Swiped from ThinkGeek
Who doesn't have a secret? There's a subject that's always verboten in regards to nearly every person I know. Things that just aren't spoken of. Things that further discussion will not solve.

Now not every secret is 'juicy'. Some are uncomfortable, subjects that have no bearing on the situation at hand. Some are tiresome, subjects that have been beaten to death by endless discussion over drinks, food, even while impaired on illicit substances.

But the secrets we keep are what make us interesting to others. The things we keep to ourselves are what intrigue others. The mystery is what tantalizes, don't you think? Come on. Admit it. Here, have another drink and I'll distract you with something I'm willing to let go of because I trust you. Oh, go on, you know you want to tell me. I'm making it okay for you to share. You can trust me.

So along with the other things we've been exploring over the last week, secrets are really about trust. The things we choose not to share also help to define us. Sometimes we choose not to share out of shame or self-disappointment, sometimes because what we know will hurt someone else. There are secrets that are difficult to keep to oneself but because you might have been trusted with them you cannot share. That's the burden of hearing things we don't want anyone else to know, isn't it?

Secrets, being about trust, are weighty things. Sometimes trust is misplaced when your confidante betrays your secret. We all know there's only one person who can absolutely be trusted with the Deep Dark Secrets: the person who owns the secret first. That weight is significant and can affect behaviors. Best friends can sense when a new weight has been added. That's when a conversation happens. Have some more wine.

Look, I'm thinking out loud here. There are things I don't tell you, that I don't tell others. If you know something about me I guarantee there are others in my circle who don't know what you do. They may know parts, but not the whole thing. I'm the only one who knows everything about me.

However, if you put a group of my friends and acquaintances together and you all shared what you knew (not that you have permission to do that - wait until I'm dead at least), there might come a clearer picture of who I am. But you won't know everything. There will be key details missing. There also won't be a 'Rosebud' clue. I also don't think I've shared anything with anyone who has had to take on the weight, that causes any conflict. I may be wrong but I'm not aware of having done that.

I'm not a therapist and I only know one person who is. Secrets can be destructive and damned heavy. You'll be better off if you can trust someone to help you put that weight on the ground and inspect it from another perspective.