|Seeing Failure live in July made me the happiest I've been all year.|
Two years ago today I nearly died. No kidding.
If you want to read about it, here is the original post describing what happened as I understood it then and here's last year's recollection. You don't have to read them. Most of you know the story anyway, but just in case.
Massive Bilateral Pulmonary Embolism. "Near fatal" the docs say now when I visit with them. Probably caused by an aggravation of Irritable Bowel Syndrome that was diagnosed only the month previous to me landing on the floor and then in the hospital. What aggravated it? A colonoscopy. A colonoscopy I should have had two years before that because I was showing signs of IBS.
But I was a baby and didn't go for the procedure. I chickened out like a stupid Man.
Could all this have been avoided? Maybe. Not for sure but maybe. Likely the IBS was caused by undue, extreme stress. What caused the stress? I don't know. All this began five years ago, or longer so it's kind of hard to remember. A combination of things including work, depression, fear of failure. Probably lots, lots more. Poor eating habits. Too much extra weight. All of that contributed, I'm sure.
So from five years ago I was in bad shape but I didn't know it. I was walking a lot, I'd been able to maintain my weight. What went wrong?
All that stuff above.
So when this calendar year started off with some extra stress I did the same thing I did two years ago: I hid. I stopped exercising. I ate more. I drank more. I coped as best I could. Everything built up and built up and more stress piled on. I couldn't focus, I couldn't write.
That was the worst part, not writing. I really needed to get things done but people close to me... well, it was scarier than when I was dying myself.
And it went on through June. So six months lost to stress, extra weight added and nothing to show for it except that everyone has turned out to be all right or is recovering nicely. Or holding steady. It's taking a longer time than I would like for me to feel like I'm better, or even closer to 'normal' but it's happening.
Today I'm glad to be alive. The stress isn't quite gone or has been replaced by other stressors but I'm working steadily towards where I was before.
Where I'll pay more attention to what my body tells me, I'll be more aware of what I'm putting in it and why. Especially the why part.
So on the anniversary of my near fatal event, I'm resolving to be better. Again. I can't waste what I've got ahead of me. Again. I'll cherish the things and the people that make me happy and try not to worry so much.
Glad you're all with me. Hope we can be together a long, long time.